Chapter One
I met my darling vampire at the lowest point of my life. My minister would
be alarmed to hear me say this to you but it’s true, so I’ll say this to you . When I met my vampire I was thinking of killing myself.
Nope not with a gun to the mouth and bullet to the brain, not with a sharp razor blade to the wrist or even an overdose of Mom’s Xanx or valium that she eats like candy . A Lightning Storm ! I wanted the lightning to do what I was too much of a coward to do with my own hands.
I planned to be intentionally struck by lightning. And getting struck would be so easy for me to do because Texas is going through it’s yearly thunderstorm season . People are getting struck all the time and dropping like flies.
Living was so hard for me, everyday was so hard for me! I wanted to be soooo dead ; until my 19 yr old, living- dead vampire showed me how awesome and exhilarating one minute of being truly alive could feel. He taught me everything! He showed me everything and I will be forever grateful that he stepped in and stopped me from volunteering to go in to that dead zone of no return.
But before I say anymore, let me tell you how all of this wonderful change happened .
I will share with you how I switched from one moment wanting to be a dead girl, to being a fulfilled girl with a zest for life. You will see how I went from being a glutton who could barely find jeans to cover her ample posterior ; to making sure I took in enough calories to stay healthy and alive and away from anorexia.
I’ll start with him! I’ll start with meeting him, falling desperately in love with him even though I knew that his dark psyche would never allow him to love me in return. I truly, desperately , tragically fell so hard in love with him. So hard! This is how it happened.
It was about twelve o’clock midnight when the deafening clap of thunder that was loud enough to wake the dead illuminated my bedroom. The entire house was shaking and I was rousted from what had been my usual, wasted and restless daze. I am an insomniac, always tired but can never sleep.
I got up and got dressed as quickly as I could . I hoped that Mom was in the same Xanax induced coma that she was in every night--- I didn’t want her to wake up
right now ; I couldn‘t take the sight of that woman right now!
“Please stay where you are, in the land of the comatose, Mom.” I begged under my breath , working as fast as I could to get out before she came anywhere near me.
I didn’t want her to stagger into the room and ask me if I had heard the earsplitting thunder. She disgusted me with her tear stained, puffy, defeated face. And I just could not bear to watch her loose her balance and fall over on my bed again.
“ I love you my babeeeeee.” She ’d say in a mushy whisper fumbling her way up and trying to straighten my collar ; and I wasn’t even wearing one.
Mom would then start apologizing to me once again for what Dad had done to us for the third time . The third fricking time!!!
But why hadn’t she left him when he moved in with secretary number one? Why hadn’t she left him when he moved in with secretary number two? Why hadn’t she left him when he hit her and shoved me to the floor for coming to her defense.
If Mom had done that then we wouldn’t have been around to be divorced by Dad and tossed aside for his new wife and child . Why hadn’t she done something about his worthlessness over the years.
And just maybe I wouldn’t have gained so much weight, maybe I wouldn’t be so chubby. I’m not fat but I am chubby and frumpy. I am small framed , 5ft 2inches tall and weigh 151 pounds. Once at my old school in the land of the extremely thin and the extremely beautiful: I went to the school nurse because I had a headache . I wanted to get two Tylenol because we didn’t have any at home.
She looked at me with such alarm in her eyes as if I was a morbidly obese person who needed to be cut out of my house! The oval faced beauty with the willowy body sent me out of her office with a note to give to our school therapist.. I read the folded note before giving it to her. This girl needs immediate help. She is huge and seems disgruntled. Is there any immediate help that you can give her. I fear she might harm herself or others! Please see her today!”
I placed the note into the gray haired pale woman .s hand ; whose desk was piled high with gift baskets and flowers. She read my note , and placed it face down on top of a card that read, We’re going to miss you, please enjoy your retirement in Barbados! She began to write on the back of the same note that the pretty nurse had sent.
“She’ll be fine, these excess pounds are needed ! I’ve seen them before, they are comfort-control pounds. She won’t harm anyone unless they stand in the way of her donuts !” She continued to write and gave me the note to take back to the nurse.
The Beverly Hills High therapist called my excess pounds “comfort -control pounds”. She said that I was a girl who’d had a melt down because of severe stress. She claimed that I put on twenty-five excess pounds to get some control over my life. How insane! How stupid and crazy ; she was to say such a thing! These pounds have brought me anything but comfort and anything but control! Over anything---ever!!! Ever!!!!! No control!
I Chastity Vase have never had control over anything that happens in my life, except ending it.!!!!!
I grabbed the black metal umbrella from beneath my bed ; the perfectly pleated, tin umbrella was made by the boys in metal shop class. They made it as a favor for the popular beauties. The popular beauties spray painted it purple and green , the school colors; and passed it to me with my instructions. I was supposed to die a juicy death as soon as possible.
The wait had not been long for the weatherman’s predicted thunderstorm. I walked briskly and the pounding rain struck the metal umbrella.
The bright, orange lightning, a felon’s claw cut through the black sky above me. It was scary and promised to incinerate me just as it had burned and instantly killed the three golfers last week. The golfers had disobeyed the weatherman : he warned everyone to stay inside calling the influx of thunderstorms ,“The Killing Mafia.”
Even though I had been waiting for a way out of my horrible, hopeless, life,; I was still nervous and uneasy about actually turning my fantasy into a reality. I was beginning to feel very scared and vomited, startled as the lightning struck a large elm ; a couple of feet to the right of me!
The tree started to burn and became a red, sizzling inferno with a large pair of flapping wings that flared out on it’ sides. It was as if the tree tried with all of it’s might to protest it’s merciless slaughter. But could do nothing. The lightning burned through the tree quickly; caused it to fall and dissolve into a smoking heap of nothing.
Just that quickly , right before my eyes the tree was reduced to shards of nothing.
It terrified me to see something as sturdy as a tree gone in an instant. Just like that!
The strong sturdy oak was probably more than a hundred years old but was defenseless against a destructive force that had no solid form; but would zap and kill anything that got in it’s way.
I was in it’s way and offering myself to be slaughtered by it. I thought of myself, my living breathing body and how I was about to become a smoldering dead heap of nothing , just like the tree.
Thinking day and night about killing myself was one thing . But actually doing it, existing no more, and ending all of my misery ; was another thing.
Your misery will just be beginning!! !
My ministers voice ricocheted through my tired brain . I didn’t want to think of him ! He would just remind me that my punishment for ending my God given Life would be waiting for me as soon as I closed my eyes.
I couldn’t think about his sermons. I blocked them out of my mind as I trudged through the ankle deep water. Getting this over with before I lost my nerve was the only thing on my mind.
My video camera hung on my neck but how was I going to record my electrocution? The powers that be at Warren High had instructed me to record my walk through the lightning. Wink, wink. Even an idiot like me knew, that it meant record my own death.
The girls wanted proof that I’d walked through a lightning storm and survived . If I couldn’t prove it then no one would believe that I had done it. My mind was unclear and merging into doubt and confusion. Did I want to survive this walk? I didn’t know! I didn’t really know what I wanted anymore!
But I couldn’t record this! The heavy rain was a thick, smoky fog and visibility was out of the question.. The girls from school would just have to understand that. How could I be expected to control all of the smoky fog created by the rain?
Heavy splatters of rain struck my shoulders, face and camera lens. My face hurt and I was feeling so angry! Why was my life so messed up? Why couldn’t I have been born pretty ? If not pretty why couldn’t I have been thin? Why couldn’t I have been confident , strong and focused with personality and charisma? Why couldn’t I have been born anyone but me?
I hated me !! How I hated Me! I was feeling so angry as the fierce rain pounded against my camera lens. My camera was so useless during this down pour! It was as useless and worthless as the girls who wanted me dead for a short-lived, cheap thrill to gossip about over their lunch of bottled water and one slice of peach.
I felt so cheated and so angry; but I was mostly angry at myself! I was the useless, worthless idiot who was going to give them their thrill-----there is no fool like a compliant fool-----I read that somewhere and never had it been more true.
With each deafening clap of thunder, and each switch of lightning that shocked the flooding ground next to me: I hated myself and those girls at Warren High and their smug, giggling faces as they passed me the umbrella. But as I said, mostly I hated my worthless, cowardly self for taking the umbrella from them. Why I took it, I will never know. Maybe I was like Mom , a door mat through and through. I wondered if I inherited that miserable trait of self loathing and weakness from Mom.
You see I was the one who approached these popular girls. These lip implant, boob implant, hair extension wearing girls didn’t come to me and start picking on me and bullying me. I went to them on bended knee and I begged them to be their flunky. I went over to their lunch table when I first got to Warren High from Beverly Hills. I begged to do all of their homework and I promised them that they would never get less than a B on any assignment .
“ Eeww! You’re fat and ugly---go away !” I heard those words amidst laughter and I was told that if I really wanted to be their servant I had to prove it by recording my death, walk through a terrible lightning storm on my video camera.
Sylvia and her death mob knew that I wouldn’t survive it and I knew that I wouldn’t survive it . But still I agreed to do it. I took the metal umbrella from their hands. Even when I agreed to do it, walk this silly and malicious death walk, they wouldn’t commit to me. I kept asking them , if I made it could I be their flunky? Could I be their imbecile? Could I be their fool?
They said if I survived it; then they would see what was to be done with me. Just maybe I’d measure up to being their flunky. Or maybe I’d have to pass one more test and then I could do their bidding. I smiled and accepted the umbrella.
I guess I accepted because # 1. I didn’t care if I was struck and #2. I didn’t want to be invisible anymore. I couldn’t be invisible anymore.
The entire time that I was in school in Beverly Hills from Pre-K until we left there in the middle of my senior year a week ago, I was invisible. Misery doesn’t even begin to describe the torture that I endured being invisible.
Students just literally spilled milk on me without even saying, “sorry.” They’d step down hard on my toe in a crowded hall; shove me face first violently into the wall when speeding past as they rush off to do something fun!
They say, “oops---sorry”, to everyone else but when you’re invisible no one says a word to you all day long. I couldn’t be invisible again and live through it!
I needed to be seen and noticed even if it was only to be rushed up to by one of the popular crowd just before class bell and have homework snatched from my hands without one kind word being uttered to me. They didn’t have to say thank you , or even acknowledge that they took the report from my hands. They were scanning the crowded hall looking for me, needing something from me and that was a start .------ any shabby treatment was better than being invisible!
As I said invisible -- that feeling is the worst of the worst or so it seemed until I stumbled backwards from the powerful water current pooling at my ankles. The water was deep and my head struck the current and went beneath. I swallowed a mouthful of water. I couldn’t see and was trying to brush the water out of my eyes. Fear surpassed invisible the worst of the worst , just that. quick. I was terrified and was being pulled along like a leaf in the wind by the strong water current. I couldn’t lift my body because I was covered in water but I could lift my head . Another tree had been struck by lightning and was sailing towards me wrapped in hungry, fiery flames! That feeling of fear was the worst of the worst.
I realized that I wanted to be alive more than anything in the world but I was going to experience an excruciatingly painful death . The lightning struck tree was going to be the last thing that I ever saw or felt. No matter how quickly I met my end it was not going to be fast enough. I could hear the crackling of the burning tree and feel the heat that was coming straight for my flesh.
“ Uh!” I screamed . Uhhhhhhh! ”
But something grabbed me with powerful arms . Something swooped me up ; saving me before the flames could take the life that I so dearly wanted . I realized that I did not want to die but to be alive more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life.
I didn’t know at the time that it was my vampire holding me so tightly and flying through the powerful rain with me in his arms . It was wild as he flew with me, a mighty missile through the blackened skies to his lair.
I met my darling vampire at the lowest point of my life. My minister would
be alarmed to hear me say this to you but it’s true, so I’ll say this to you . When I met my vampire I was thinking of killing myself.
Nope not with a gun to the mouth and bullet to the brain, not with a sharp razor blade to the wrist or even an overdose of Mom’s Xanx or valium that she eats like candy . A Lightning Storm ! I wanted the lightning to do what I was too much of a coward to do with my own hands.
I planned to be intentionally struck by lightning. And getting struck would be so easy for me to do because Texas is going through it’s yearly thunderstorm season . People are getting struck all the time and dropping like flies.
Living was so hard for me, everyday was so hard for me! I wanted to be soooo dead ; until my 19 yr old, living- dead vampire showed me how awesome and exhilarating one minute of being truly alive could feel. He taught me everything! He showed me everything and I will be forever grateful that he stepped in and stopped me from volunteering to go in to that dead zone of no return.
But before I say anymore, let me tell you how all of this wonderful change happened .
I will share with you how I switched from one moment wanting to be a dead girl, to being a fulfilled girl with a zest for life. You will see how I went from being a glutton who could barely find jeans to cover her ample posterior ; to making sure I took in enough calories to stay healthy and alive and away from anorexia.
I’ll start with him! I’ll start with meeting him, falling desperately in love with him even though I knew that his dark psyche would never allow him to love me in return. I truly, desperately , tragically fell so hard in love with him. So hard! This is how it happened.
It was about twelve o’clock midnight when the deafening clap of thunder that was loud enough to wake the dead illuminated my bedroom. The entire house was shaking and I was rousted from what had been my usual, wasted and restless daze. I am an insomniac, always tired but can never sleep.
I got up and got dressed as quickly as I could . I hoped that Mom was in the same Xanax induced coma that she was in every night--- I didn’t want her to wake up
right now ; I couldn‘t take the sight of that woman right now!
“Please stay where you are, in the land of the comatose, Mom.” I begged under my breath , working as fast as I could to get out before she came anywhere near me.
I didn’t want her to stagger into the room and ask me if I had heard the earsplitting thunder. She disgusted me with her tear stained, puffy, defeated face. And I just could not bear to watch her loose her balance and fall over on my bed again.
“ I love you my babeeeeee.” She ’d say in a mushy whisper fumbling her way up and trying to straighten my collar ; and I wasn’t even wearing one.
Mom would then start apologizing to me once again for what Dad had done to us for the third time . The third fricking time!!!
But why hadn’t she left him when he moved in with secretary number one? Why hadn’t she left him when he moved in with secretary number two? Why hadn’t she left him when he hit her and shoved me to the floor for coming to her defense.
If Mom had done that then we wouldn’t have been around to be divorced by Dad and tossed aside for his new wife and child . Why hadn’t she done something about his worthlessness over the years.
And just maybe I wouldn’t have gained so much weight, maybe I wouldn’t be so chubby. I’m not fat but I am chubby and frumpy. I am small framed , 5ft 2inches tall and weigh 151 pounds. Once at my old school in the land of the extremely thin and the extremely beautiful: I went to the school nurse because I had a headache . I wanted to get two Tylenol because we didn’t have any at home.
She looked at me with such alarm in her eyes as if I was a morbidly obese person who needed to be cut out of my house! The oval faced beauty with the willowy body sent me out of her office with a note to give to our school therapist.. I read the folded note before giving it to her. This girl needs immediate help. She is huge and seems disgruntled. Is there any immediate help that you can give her. I fear she might harm herself or others! Please see her today!”
I placed the note into the gray haired pale woman .s hand ; whose desk was piled high with gift baskets and flowers. She read my note , and placed it face down on top of a card that read, We’re going to miss you, please enjoy your retirement in Barbados! She began to write on the back of the same note that the pretty nurse had sent.
“She’ll be fine, these excess pounds are needed ! I’ve seen them before, they are comfort-control pounds. She won’t harm anyone unless they stand in the way of her donuts !” She continued to write and gave me the note to take back to the nurse.
The Beverly Hills High therapist called my excess pounds “comfort -control pounds”. She said that I was a girl who’d had a melt down because of severe stress. She claimed that I put on twenty-five excess pounds to get some control over my life. How insane! How stupid and crazy ; she was to say such a thing! These pounds have brought me anything but comfort and anything but control! Over anything---ever!!! Ever!!!!! No control!
I Chastity Vase have never had control over anything that happens in my life, except ending it.!!!!!
I grabbed the black metal umbrella from beneath my bed ; the perfectly pleated, tin umbrella was made by the boys in metal shop class. They made it as a favor for the popular beauties. The popular beauties spray painted it purple and green , the school colors; and passed it to me with my instructions. I was supposed to die a juicy death as soon as possible.
The wait had not been long for the weatherman’s predicted thunderstorm. I walked briskly and the pounding rain struck the metal umbrella.
The bright, orange lightning, a felon’s claw cut through the black sky above me. It was scary and promised to incinerate me just as it had burned and instantly killed the three golfers last week. The golfers had disobeyed the weatherman : he warned everyone to stay inside calling the influx of thunderstorms ,“The Killing Mafia.”
Even though I had been waiting for a way out of my horrible, hopeless, life,; I was still nervous and uneasy about actually turning my fantasy into a reality. I was beginning to feel very scared and vomited, startled as the lightning struck a large elm ; a couple of feet to the right of me!
The tree started to burn and became a red, sizzling inferno with a large pair of flapping wings that flared out on it’ sides. It was as if the tree tried with all of it’s might to protest it’s merciless slaughter. But could do nothing. The lightning burned through the tree quickly; caused it to fall and dissolve into a smoking heap of nothing.
Just that quickly , right before my eyes the tree was reduced to shards of nothing.
It terrified me to see something as sturdy as a tree gone in an instant. Just like that!
The strong sturdy oak was probably more than a hundred years old but was defenseless against a destructive force that had no solid form; but would zap and kill anything that got in it’s way.
I was in it’s way and offering myself to be slaughtered by it. I thought of myself, my living breathing body and how I was about to become a smoldering dead heap of nothing , just like the tree.
Thinking day and night about killing myself was one thing . But actually doing it, existing no more, and ending all of my misery ; was another thing.
Your misery will just be beginning!! !
My ministers voice ricocheted through my tired brain . I didn’t want to think of him ! He would just remind me that my punishment for ending my God given Life would be waiting for me as soon as I closed my eyes.
I couldn’t think about his sermons. I blocked them out of my mind as I trudged through the ankle deep water. Getting this over with before I lost my nerve was the only thing on my mind.
My video camera hung on my neck but how was I going to record my electrocution? The powers that be at Warren High had instructed me to record my walk through the lightning. Wink, wink. Even an idiot like me knew, that it meant record my own death.
The girls wanted proof that I’d walked through a lightning storm and survived . If I couldn’t prove it then no one would believe that I had done it. My mind was unclear and merging into doubt and confusion. Did I want to survive this walk? I didn’t know! I didn’t really know what I wanted anymore!
But I couldn’t record this! The heavy rain was a thick, smoky fog and visibility was out of the question.. The girls from school would just have to understand that. How could I be expected to control all of the smoky fog created by the rain?
Heavy splatters of rain struck my shoulders, face and camera lens. My face hurt and I was feeling so angry! Why was my life so messed up? Why couldn’t I have been born pretty ? If not pretty why couldn’t I have been thin? Why couldn’t I have been confident , strong and focused with personality and charisma? Why couldn’t I have been born anyone but me?
I hated me !! How I hated Me! I was feeling so angry as the fierce rain pounded against my camera lens. My camera was so useless during this down pour! It was as useless and worthless as the girls who wanted me dead for a short-lived, cheap thrill to gossip about over their lunch of bottled water and one slice of peach.
I felt so cheated and so angry; but I was mostly angry at myself! I was the useless, worthless idiot who was going to give them their thrill-----there is no fool like a compliant fool-----I read that somewhere and never had it been more true.
With each deafening clap of thunder, and each switch of lightning that shocked the flooding ground next to me: I hated myself and those girls at Warren High and their smug, giggling faces as they passed me the umbrella. But as I said, mostly I hated my worthless, cowardly self for taking the umbrella from them. Why I took it, I will never know. Maybe I was like Mom , a door mat through and through. I wondered if I inherited that miserable trait of self loathing and weakness from Mom.
You see I was the one who approached these popular girls. These lip implant, boob implant, hair extension wearing girls didn’t come to me and start picking on me and bullying me. I went to them on bended knee and I begged them to be their flunky. I went over to their lunch table when I first got to Warren High from Beverly Hills. I begged to do all of their homework and I promised them that they would never get less than a B on any assignment .
“ Eeww! You’re fat and ugly---go away !” I heard those words amidst laughter and I was told that if I really wanted to be their servant I had to prove it by recording my death, walk through a terrible lightning storm on my video camera.
Sylvia and her death mob knew that I wouldn’t survive it and I knew that I wouldn’t survive it . But still I agreed to do it. I took the metal umbrella from their hands. Even when I agreed to do it, walk this silly and malicious death walk, they wouldn’t commit to me. I kept asking them , if I made it could I be their flunky? Could I be their imbecile? Could I be their fool?
They said if I survived it; then they would see what was to be done with me. Just maybe I’d measure up to being their flunky. Or maybe I’d have to pass one more test and then I could do their bidding. I smiled and accepted the umbrella.
I guess I accepted because # 1. I didn’t care if I was struck and #2. I didn’t want to be invisible anymore. I couldn’t be invisible anymore.
The entire time that I was in school in Beverly Hills from Pre-K until we left there in the middle of my senior year a week ago, I was invisible. Misery doesn’t even begin to describe the torture that I endured being invisible.
Students just literally spilled milk on me without even saying, “sorry.” They’d step down hard on my toe in a crowded hall; shove me face first violently into the wall when speeding past as they rush off to do something fun!
They say, “oops---sorry”, to everyone else but when you’re invisible no one says a word to you all day long. I couldn’t be invisible again and live through it!
I needed to be seen and noticed even if it was only to be rushed up to by one of the popular crowd just before class bell and have homework snatched from my hands without one kind word being uttered to me. They didn’t have to say thank you , or even acknowledge that they took the report from my hands. They were scanning the crowded hall looking for me, needing something from me and that was a start .------ any shabby treatment was better than being invisible!
As I said invisible -- that feeling is the worst of the worst or so it seemed until I stumbled backwards from the powerful water current pooling at my ankles. The water was deep and my head struck the current and went beneath. I swallowed a mouthful of water. I couldn’t see and was trying to brush the water out of my eyes. Fear surpassed invisible the worst of the worst , just that. quick. I was terrified and was being pulled along like a leaf in the wind by the strong water current. I couldn’t lift my body because I was covered in water but I could lift my head . Another tree had been struck by lightning and was sailing towards me wrapped in hungry, fiery flames! That feeling of fear was the worst of the worst.
I realized that I wanted to be alive more than anything in the world but I was going to experience an excruciatingly painful death . The lightning struck tree was going to be the last thing that I ever saw or felt. No matter how quickly I met my end it was not going to be fast enough. I could hear the crackling of the burning tree and feel the heat that was coming straight for my flesh.
“ Uh!” I screamed . Uhhhhhhh! ”
But something grabbed me with powerful arms . Something swooped me up ; saving me before the flames could take the life that I so dearly wanted . I realized that I did not want to die but to be alive more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life.
I didn’t know at the time that it was my vampire holding me so tightly and flying through the powerful rain with me in his arms . It was wild as he flew with me, a mighty missile through the blackened skies to his lair.
(Please see Chapter 2 on my blog)
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